Marriage, Celibacy, and Language

I’ve been thinking about the issue of singleness in the American church here and there over the years and even more so recently. Normally I would never express such things in a public forum, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I should voice them to clear the air.

There is much confusion about the issue of why there are so many single people in the church (an issue that has been pressing for a couple of decades now). Many of the answers indicate a serious divide in philosophies of Christian living, how modern technology has changed the way male-female relationships are viewed and pursued, and how modern culture has affected the church.

One example is the interchange of the terms “single” and “celibate.” Though some insist these are basically one and the same, I am thoroughly convinced they are not. Singleness is a status, one to which everyone is born into.  A woman and a man that wed are no longer single, but married.  To be A single person can either be celibate or non-celibate. To be non-celibate does not mean promiscuous.  It simply means that there is a desire and a pursuit of sexual union with a member of the opposite sex and that desire is sought for in a spouse within the bounds of covenant marriage. (I am aware of the issues and complications regarding same-sex attraction, but I will not address that here.)  Before marriage, though the desire for sex is there, the Christian is called to be chaste, both in body and in mind (admitting the difficulties of the latter). To be celibate is a choice, yes, but it is also a calling, much like marriage is a calling.

There have been those in the past and there are those presently that are called by God to be celibate. I don’t know if that means that sexual desire has somehow been removed by God or if somehow there is some special grace given to control those desires to expend energy in other ways in unique service to God.  I want to say that it is more the latter than the former. The Apostle Paul is one of the main examples and perhaps there were a few prophets from the Old Testament that would fall into that category. It is a gift from God, but it is a gift to a few.

Celibacy is not a strictly personal decision. It is a calling. And there is not just an internal call, but, like a calling to the gospel ministry, there is confirmation by an external call. The same goes for marriage. I would even dare say that celibacy should be publicly declared and witnessed. This does not mean there should be celibacy ceremonies, but there should be some sort of documentation and public statement. It is curious what that would look like.

If a person decides to pursue lifelong celibacy, he should seek out trusted people to speak about this and determine if this really is the path that God has called him to.  This position is going to be, and I would say should be, the exception. The rule is marriage.

I should back up a bit and address whether one can be called to be celibate for just a period of time. If a man in his 20s pursued the calling of celibacy, but 30 years later has had a change in thought and feelings so that he desires marriage, can he back out of the commitment? If the vows of marriage state, “till death do us part,” does the same go for celibacy?  I do not know the answer. I suppose in years past a man that joined a monastery or a woman a nunnery, while taking a vow of celibacy, could (theoretically). years later, ask to be released from the order.  But those vows were usually understood to be lifelong commitments.  If marriage is supposed to be life long, then a case could be made for celibacy also.

I should go ahead and declare that I am one of these singles. It is difficult to comprehend at times since I am 38 years old and still single.  This usually leads to questions that, though genuine, do display symptoms of what is wrong with the current views of marriage in the American church.  I will address a few of them here.

Why do you want to get married?

This is a very important question. The Book of Common Prayer states that “marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, deliberately, and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by God.”  That purpose of a marriage union is “for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is God’s will, for the procreation of children and their nurture in the knowledge of the Lord.”

Often, however, there is something else behind the question that I find a bit ridiculous.  The questioner will be satisfied provided it is the “right answer.”   I was asked that question a number of years ago and the more I’ve reflected on it, the more confused I’ve become.  What do you mean “why do I want to get married?”  Would an answer from the Book of Common Prayer do?  In days gone by I believe the question would’ve rarely been asked. But the mix-up between the definitions of "single" and "celibate" and how celibacy is seen as more of a private decision has caused the question to be asked more often.

If someone complains or is upset that they are not married, it is simply unwise to say, “May be God has called you to singleness.”  (See above about the mix-up of terms.) Their being upset is not an indication that they are not following after God or are making marriage an idol.  There is a very wide gap between having too many wedding magazines and bowing down to a statue of Baal.  The answer about “being called to singleness” still defaults to celibacy as simply a private decision.

Debbie Maken, in her book on marriage, says we “whitewash singles in the church as monks and nuns capable of serving God for years and decades and staying sexually pure in the process—without ever asking if any of them received such a calling to celibacy” (p. 132).

I heard a story once from a young man that attended an Anglican congregation in D.C. under the Anglican Mission in America (AMIA), where the churches are under the authority of bishops from African nations such as Kenya, Uganda, Nigeria, or Ghana. A bishop came to speak to the church and during his time there saw all of these young people that were not married. The bishop boldly called out these believers, actually saying they were being selfish for being single and not marrying.  He said he would begin praying for marriages to happen in that church.  That was a bold statement indeed! I’m sure it ruffled more than a few feathers.  But, the story continued, within a year’s time there were so many engagements among the members in that church that it was hard to keep up (pre-marital counseling, wedding ceremonies, etc.).  It seems that the prayers of this bishop were heard.

One might respond, “Well, it must have been God’s will for those folks to be married” or “They must have been called to marriage.”  The opposite side of the coin being, had they remained single, “It must be God’s will for them to remain single” or “They might be called to singleness.”   This despite the fact that the overwhelming number of those young people likely desired to get married. Thank God for his moving hearts and for the secondary causes that led to all those weddings.  To quote Maken again, “Without a calling from God to be single in order to accomplish a specific task for him, we have no cause to be single” (p. 141).

What do I mean by secondary causes? These are the means by which God works out his plan in governing the world.  To go back to the AMIA church story (and I’m only speculating on events, but I think this is how it took place), God responded to the prayers of the bishop and others by working through other church members, presumably married, that assisted these young people in finding spouses. Perhaps a couple invited a group of the singles to their home so that conversation could flow more easily, where people could “let their hair down” and be more themselves. That tends to put people in a different light where qualities previously unknown can be seen.

Have you thought about online dating?

This question has become even more annoying  over time.  I can probably say with confidence that this question was not asked in the AMIA example.  For one, yes I have thought about online dating. Yes, I have filled out profiles on three different sites. Essentially, what is being said (though not intentionally) is, “You’re on your own, buddy.” It’s one of those secondary causes that God could use to bring a spouse, but it’s still very individualistic and only involves others after the fact. It’s after a person has forked over who knows how much money to scroll through endless profiles delivered to the in-box. It’s after two people have been talking and a more serious relationship has developed that then other people (family, pastor, friends) are informed.

My profiles on the sites that shall remained unnamed are basically bare-boned now. I deleted all of my photos from those profiles, the most recent one just a short time ago.  Thankfully I have not been paying anything since late 2014.  I also do not find it plausible to “date” someone who lives more than a four-hour drive away. I’d even say two-hour drive.  There is the advantage of Skype, but even that only tells a partial story.

A few years ago I was talking to a girl and we had great camaraderie over Skype, but when I went to meet her I realized I probably should not have let it develop as far as I did. To be honest I was simply not attracted to her. (By that I mean physically attracted.) I don’t know if that makes me hypocritical or not since I’m not exactly some physically stunning specimen and I’m not getting any younger. I’ve worked hard to keep my weight maintained, even losing enough to where I was 12 years ago. But there are other physical properties that I do not like that have resulted from being overweight from roughly age 6 to age 24. Maybe that’s been a factor in not securing many dates or even one girlfriend.

That is correct, no girlfriend. No not one. And it is unusual, no matter which way it’s painted. Anyone who thinks otherwise I cannot honestly say is thinking.  As much as I’m looking forward to my 20-year high school reunion, I’m still uncertain how to address the questions that will inevitably come from those that have been married for years or who simply do not understand the nature of the Christian ethic when it comes to being chaste. It’s one thing to still not be married, but it’s based on the assumption that things simply haven’t worked out with the relationships I’ve been in and the girl friends I’ve dated. Except, there haven’t been any.

It’s not for lack of trying. Whether at a small Christian college, seminary, or even online, it has been met with one-and-done dates, one promising on-line meet that ended abruptly, and strange and unclear use of language.

Truthfulness and Language

The New Testament scholar J. Gresham Machen has stated, “Language is truthful, not when the meaning attached to the words by the speaker, but when the meaning intended to be produced in the mind of the particular person addressed, is in accordance with the facts.”  That is from his influential book Christianity & Liberalism. Though Machen was addressing the use of traditional Christian terms used by liberal preachers, but intended another meaning other than what was understood by the people in the pews, I think the quote is pertinent in other ways.

The online meet was two years ago. The girl was in another city in another state, but still within a reasonable driving distance.  After enjoying some Skype “dates” we met over an Easter weekend. I thought it went well, though hindsight being 20/20, there were probably some indications that things weren’t viewed as such from her end.  But for a few weeks after the visit, the talking and texting continued. Then she went on a trip overseas with the mission agency she works for.

While Facebook chatting I mentioned that I had had a dream about Lady Wisdom and Lady Folly as found in the book of Proverbs.  I remember it like it was yesterday. The reply came, “Um, ok…” and then she finished the sentence. For whatever reason, that "Um, ok" bothered me like nothing else after we ended the chat. I was very worried, but I convinced myself that I was just lacking faith and there was probably nothing to it.  Then came a Skype chat where the bombshell was dropped and she said that she decided to end the relationship. She then said, “I know it sounds cliché, but I don’t think it’s the Lord’s will to continue this relationship” (or something to that affect).

The problem with using that kind of language is that there is no answer to it. I certainly couldn’t respond, “Yes it is!”  I do not doubt she was being as truthful as she could be, but by leaving it at the level of a primary cause, I was left in the dark as to the secondary causes. Did her parents not approve? Did her bosses at her mission agency say she should end it? What?  The thing is, I’ve met other girls that were prettier, but I really liked this girl and admired her character and her family.  Now it was over just like that.  While I’ve at least remained friends with some girls I’ve asked out in the past, this is the only one where there has been zero contact.  After she did not reply to a couple of text messages I sent, the process of deletion began.  All text messages, all e-mails, phone contact, and e-mail contact were deleted.

One other example of interesting language is “My heart is engaged elsewhere.”  My assumption is that this means another man, but it is, again, unclear.  That could mean just about anything or anyone. Rather than just state plainly, “I’m dating so-and-so” or “I’m already in a relationship” (when it is, in fact. the case), I’m left in the dark, pondering what on earth it means.

This has not been an easy blog to write. I’ve said things that, I’m sure, people will disagree with. That’s OK.  I don’t mind being challenged, but if I feel strongly about something I hope that I can at least offer a counter-challenge. There can be no denial that there is a problem when the average age for men and women entering marriage continues to increase and there is little to no difference in the church.

Statements about God raising up a generation of single missionaries or trying to theologically justify the issue by saying singleness and celibacy are the norm for the new creation inaugurated by Christ (hinting that the New Covenant Church has been on the wrong track for centuries and the Old Covenant Church was just off track) simply won’t do.  There’s too much biblical and historical precedent for marriage.  There are no easy answers, but I believe there are answers.

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Addendum (11/26/2020)

Strange things happen when opening up the heart. Two weeks after writing this blog in May 2015 I met a wonderful lady in Chattanooga and we werre married nearly two years later. We even dated long distance for a year before I moved. Now we are expecting our first child. How did we meet? Mutual friends. Stop the presses. Praise God for his using people in our lives to introduce me to my wife.

Though I've been married 3-1/2 years and I've reread this post a few times since its writing, I still stand by what I wrote. I am happy when I hear news of people in their 20s being married. Or finally, finally, finally, that godly man or woman who seals the deal at age 35.  I realize there are many unanswered questions posed by those who have suffered difficult marriages or even divorce or the death of a spouse. I often refer to what I call the Ax Head Theology in Deuteronomy 19 concerning cities of refuge. Verse 5 states,

For instance, a man may go into the forest with his neighbor to cut wood, and as he swings his ax to fell a tree, the head may fly off and hit his neighbor and kill him. That man may flee to one of these cities and save his life.

Did the person who died by being conked on the head with an ax head perish because of some secret sin? I think we all know the answer to be No. There is no answer given. The person was just conked on the head with an ax head. Sometimes bad things happen to God's faithful covenant people. Why did that man desert his wife and two daughters? I don't know. He's a prick. He broke covenant.

The mom who continues to raise her daughters to fear the Lord and worship at His church is a faithful covenant worshipper who experienced the short end of the stick. Obviously we are not to state things in a callous manner and I pray I am not coming across in that way, but we must be aware that we will likely see sufferings in this life, but that should not cause us to change our hermeneutic on marriage being the more common path because of past or future pain.